I was sitting in the office, having a smoke, drinking Busch, watching Mystery Men on HBO. It was past one in the morning, and dead as hell. Nobody was up and about, and we generally closed the courtyard at night, so I flipped the breaker to the courtyard lights off.

The movie ended, and some romcom starring Meg Ryan came on, so I flipped off the TV, put a BACK IN FIVE MINUTES sign in the window, grabbed a flashlight, and headed to a dark stairwell in the back to cop a quick toke.

As I neared the exit, I heard giggles, whispers, and splashes. Someone had snuck out, hopped the fence, and was in the pool, in the completely dark and closed pool in the courtyard.


I stuffed the joint in my shirt pocket, clicked on the flashlight, and ran out to the courtyard. Shining at the pool, I saw several empty beer cans and two small piles of clothes on the concrete, and two very elderly and VERY naked people splashing around. They froze like two wrinkled deer in a single headlight.

“What the FUCK are you doing?!”

The woman, very drunk, spoke up. “No one is out here, we weren’t hurting anyone, and we just wanted to use the pool!”

It was the first time in my life I ever remember actually facepalming. They became very irritated when I started laughing.

See, the pool wasn’t closed for the NIGHT. . .it had been closed since before I started working there. Two years prior. Because the filter pumps were broken, and the drains were clogged.

I busted two drunken old pervs trying to fuck while up to their chests in two year old rancid rainwater and filth. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve caught people pissing into that pool, or how many dead squirrels I’ve had to skim out of it. And to this day, I have no clue how they failed to smell it.